Bill Allred

"I'm Bill Allred, Painter of Light."

"KSL is the Zoloft of the evening news."

"You had your thumb up your butt and your mind was in Arizona"

"You’re large but not in charge."

"What do you mean I can’t sleep with this hooker in the basement?"

"If it had been a pain in the ass, you wouldn’t be pregnant now."

"Thanks, Tonto, for your help."

"Prince Albert can't keep it in the can."

"I used to eat Gina's curd."

"I don’t have a fetus."

"It's folks what juggle fire."

"I've had other kinds of spurts, but 'growth' was not one of them."

"Tell me that Billy Joe Armstrong doesn’t look like a fruit."

"This baby will be born with a drinking problem."

"They might have been all up in your pregnancy!"

"We used to make condoms out of snow tires."

"You dumb bitch! I have scissors for hands!"

"Radio From Hell: A great alternative to toilet paper."

"Look at the size of that earlobe."

"I am filled to the brim with the goodness of me."

"We'll have peanut butter crackers and juice and use the bidet!"

"Buttle me Boris!"

"My gaydar has gone haywire."

"They're from the guy who snipped my nuts."

"Being in love means never having to say 'giddy-up.'"

"I've got a powerful thirst for some of that lactation."

"They're 'fun bags' not 'feed bags!'"

"He's living 'La Vida Wee-Wee'."

"Eat your way to safety!"

"Is that about farting zombies?"

"I don't believe the government has a knobby."

"We're nothing but common whores."

"It's not easy being a bivalve in today's modern world."

"I'm talking from my muff."

"How long are you supposed to leave your Karl Malone tree up?"

"The 'jugastuff' had a baby this spring."

"A rich compost of turkey manure and wood shavings."

"Honey? Traffic's kinda busy and you're naked. Honey!?"

"I don't care. I'm Mr. Buttons."

"It's fun to watch butter on the hoof."

"Do what is right let the booty follow."

"Our show curdles milk."

"You can't trust midgets, particularly gay-loving midgets."

"You know who Carrot-Top should be married to in a movie? Gallagher."

"Jesus is a place-kicker and he's gonna kick you through the goal-posts of life."

"There is no way you could sit down more than you do."

"Growing up with the runs."

"I think I just got horny."

"What do you mean you washed my three-piece hemp suit in the laundry?"

"Don't you know who I am?"