121 quotes found
"Danny, I'm having a party this weekend. [pauses a beat] How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?"
"I have a little poem I'd like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may. Spaulding, get your foot off the boat."
"[impatiently waits for Danny's final putt] WELL? WE'RE WAITING."
"[standing in an ornamental flowerbed] What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack at Augusta. He's at the final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think. [swings, pulverizes a flower] Oh, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved Augusta crowd is going wild... [pauses] for this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left, he's going to hit about a 5-iron, it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing... [swings, pulverizes another flower] that's- oh, he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that! The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got a, looks like he's got about an 8-iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent... Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now about to become the Masters champion. [swings, pulverizes yet another flower] It looks like a mirac- it's in the hole! It's in the hole!"
"License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill you must know your enemy, and in this case, my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will not quit, ever. They're like the Viet Cong. Varmint Cong. So what you gotta do is, you gotta fall back on superior firepower, and superior intelligence. And that's all she wrote."
"I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted myself. My foe, my enemy, is an animal, and in order to conquer him, I have to think like an animal, and, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days."
"[Walking up to a gopher hole, dragging a giant water hose between his legs] Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts. How about a nice, cool drink, varmints? [puts the nozzle down the hole] Scum! Slime! Menace to the golfing industry! You're a disgrace and you're varmints. You're one of the lowest members of the food chain and you'll probably be replaced by the rat. Well, I have been pushed. I think it's about time that somebody teaches these varmints a little lesson about morality and about what it's like to be a decent, upstanding member of a society! Come to Carl, varmint. Come to Carl. [sticks his hand down the hole and flips off the gopher which bites him in return] Ah! Okay, I guess we're playing for keeps now. I guess the kidding around is pretty much over, huh? I guess it's just a matter now of pumping about fifteen thousand gallons of water down there to teach you a little bit of a lesson, is that it? I think it is!"
"This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff."
"I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think."
"At last, a comedy that bites!"
"Some People Just Don't Belong."
"The Snobs Against The Slobs!"
"Playing A Round Of Golf At The Bushwood Club Isn't Just Confined To The Golf Course!"
"At last, a comedy with balls!"
"Chevy Chase - Ty Webb"
"Rodney Dangerfield - Al Czervik"
"Ted Knight - Judge Elihu Smails"
"Michael O'Keefe - Danny Noonan"
"Bill Murray - Carl Spackler"
"Sarah Holcomb - Maggie O'Hooligan"
"Scott Colomby - Tony D'Annunzio"
"Cindy Morgan - Lacey Underall"
"Dan Resin - Dr. Beeper"
"Henry Wilcoxon - The Bishop"
"He doesn't play golf... he destroys it."
"Adam Sandler — Happy Gilmore"
"Christopher McDonald — Shooter McGavin"
"Julie Bowen — Virginia Venit"
"Frances Bay — Grandma"
"Carl Weathers — Derick "Chubbs" Peterson"
"Allen Covert — Otto"
"Bob Barker — Himself"
"Richard Kiel — Mr. Larson"
"Joe Flaherty — Donald"
"Lee Trevino — Himself"
"Dennis Dugan — Doug"
"Verne Lundquist — Himself"
"Ben Stiller (uncredited) — Hal L."
"Read it, roll it, hole it"
"Easy peasy lemon squeasy."
"The early bird gets the worm"
"Okey dokey pipey smokey"
"Let me tell you something. I came here to win a trophy. And on the face of it Ted Ray or I should carry it off. Not for you, not for England, but for sheer bloody pride at being the best, *that's* why we do this. And if Mr. Ouimet wins tomorrow, it's because he's the best, because of who he is. Not who his father was, not how much money he's got, because of who he bloody is! And I'll thank you to remember that. And I'll thank you to show the respect a gentleman gives as a matter of course."
"There are only two types of player—those who keep their nerves under control and win championships, and those who do not."
"[to Molly] "Fuck." "Shit." These are highly technical golf terms; You're using them on your first lesson. This is promising."
"Does my inner child need a spanking?"
"[to Boone, who doesn't want to wager against Roy's car] That's because you think of it as transportation, Boone. Think of it as bragging rights. Think of yourself sitting around the bar, crowing to your cronies about the Cadillac you won from me. They'll forget all about the Winnebago you lost to me."
"[to Molly] I'm going to qualify for the U.S. Open and kick your boyfriend's ass. Whatever you think of me, you should know he hates old people, children, and dogs."
"Way I'm swinging today, nothing bugs me except insufficient applause."
"You know someone once said that golf and sex are the only two things you don't have to be good at to enjoy."
"Well, what the hell? You ride her until she bucks you or don't ride at all."
"I can always tell when someone's lying to himself. But I am quite susceptible and frequently wrong when that person lies to me!"
"Why do men always insist on measuring their dicks?"
"I find him... mildly attractive when he's obnoxious and arrogant like this."
"Look, boss, I only got one rule. And that's never bet money that you don't have on a dog race with an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a stripper."
"[to Roy] You won't listen to me, will you? Even when I'm trying to help you, man. After all these years you think I'm full of shit?"
"[to Roy] You're a head case. You always have been, always will be."
"Clint: [about Molly] How can such a pretty girl have such an ugly swing."
"Earl: [about Roy] The word normal and him don't often collide in the same sentence."
"David Simms: Can you people not see that I'm busy? I'm working. This is my office. Do I come to your office and ask for an autograph? I don't think so. Jesus. What an ugly dog."
"TV Director: Another driving range pro, it's all we needed. It's heroes that I need. Not obscure driving range pros."
"Jim Nantz: Unbelievable. McAvoy has done it. You just saw the greatest round in U.S. Open history. The all-time lowest round in a major doesn't belong to a Jack Nicklaus or an Arnold Palmer, Hogan, Nelson or Snead. It's been shot by the most improbable artist of all. Roy McAvoy has his signature on golf's all-time masterpiece round."
"Doreen: [to Molly] You're not one of those women who tries to fix men, I hope. I mean, men cannot be fixed, and especially him."
"Kevin Costner - Roy 'Tin Cup' McAvoy"
"Rene Russo - Dr. Molly Griswold"
"Don Johnson - David Simms"
"Cheech Marin - Romeo Posar"
"Linda Hart - Doreen"
"Dennis Burkley - Earl"
"Rex Linn - Dewey"
"Lou Myers - Clint"
"Richard Lineback - Curt"
"George Perez - Jose"
"Mickey Jones - Turk"
"Michael Milhoan - Boone"
"Don't worry about hitting the ball or where it goes, just swing the club, feel the club."
"I hear you lost your swing. I guess we got to go find it."
"Yeah, I always felt a man's grip on his club just like a man's grip on his world..."
"Yep... Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing... Something we was born with... Something that's ours and ours alone... Something that can't be taught to you or learned... Something that got to be remembered... Over time the world can, rob us of that swing... It get buried inside us under all our would haves and could haves and should haves... Some folk even forget what their swing was like..."
"I heard my dad say that you won every golf tournament there ever was in the South and how you hit a drive so long that they made you stop playing for 20 minutes just to measure it for a record... and how you used to swing righty, but you were in the woods once by this tree so there was no room to swing righty... so you borrowed somebody's lefty club and hit the ball six inches from the hole..."
"Confused, broken... and unable to face a return to a hero's welcome... Junuh just disappeared... Hoping to forget... and to be forgotten..."
"Your daddy is out sweeping streets because he took every last dime he had, and used it to pay up every man and woman he owed and every business who worked for him, instead of declaring bankruptcy like everyone else in town, including your best friend Wilbur Charles' dad, Raymond, which is why he's able to sit around all day long on his dignity! Your daddy stared adversity in the eye, Hardy. And he beat it back with a broom."
"Some Things Can't Be Learned. They Must Be Remembered."
"It Was Just A Moment Ago."
"Will Smith - Bagger Vance"
"Matt Damon - Rannulph Junuh"
"Charlize Theron - Adele Invergordon"
"Bruce McGill - Walter Hagen"
"Joel Gretsch - Bobby Jones"
"J. Michael Moncrief - Hardy Greaves"
"Lane Smith - Grantland Rice"
"Peter Gerety - Neskaloosa"
"Wilbur Fitzgerald - Roy"
"E. Roger Mitchell - Aaron"
"Jack Lemmon (uncredited) - Narrator / Old Hardy Greaves"
"[to one of his workers] Take chances. I'm insured."
"Well, you certainly made it very clear how your legal system works Mr. Young. Now, I'd like to explain a little bit about the Peter Blunt system. You see, I don't go in for lawsuits and motions or any of the legal stuff. No, no, you see what happens is, uh, I find out where you live and then I come to your house, see? And I beat down your door with a fucking baseball bat! And, then I make a bonfire with the Chipendale, maybe roast that Golden Retriever, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, then eat it! And then I'm coming upstairs, junior, and I'm gonna grab you by your Brooks Bros. P.J.s, and then I'm gonna take your brand new B.M.W., and cram it up your tight ass! Do we have an understanding?"
"[on the phone, after Chandler Young has gotten Hartounian Construction's power turned off] That's hard to say, huh? Well, when can we get the power turned back on? That's hard to say, huh? Well, tell me something. Is it as hard to say as "Oh, my god! Somebody help me! There's a man in my office with a flamethrower"?"
"Golf, golf... what kinda name is "golf" anyway? Sounds like a sound you make when you've got something caught in your throat."
"You know I'm always shooting myself with one of those poison-dipped, crossbow darts. I don't know why they don't put a warning on those things."
"We're talking mucho dinero, and probably some American money too."
"I won't be a caddy all my life, I'm going to carwash school in the fall."
"The shack is back!"
"Home of the rich and tasteless."
"Jackie Mason - Jack Hartounian"
"Robert Stack - Chandler Young"
"Randy Quaid - Peter Blunt"
"Dan Aykroyd - Captain Tom Everett"
"Jessica Lundy - Kate Hartounian"
"Dyan Cannon - Elizabeth Pearce"
"Jonathan Silverman - Harry"
"Dina Merrill - Cynthia Young"
"Marsha Warfield - Royette Tyler"
"Brian McNamara - Todd Young"
"Chynna Phillips - Mary Frances 'Miffy' Young"
"Paul Bartel - Mr. Jamison"
"Anthony Mockus Sr. - Mr. Pierpont"
"Bibi Osterwald - Mrs. Pierpont"
"Frank Welker (voice) - the Gopher"
"Mel Blanc as Bugs Bunny and Angus MacRory."