147 quotes found
"Here, let me tell you a joke, all right? There's three guys, and they're walking down the street. One guy says to the other one, "Hey, your shoe's untied." He says, "I know that." And they walk... No... There's two guys, they're walking down the street, and one of them says to the other one, "Your shoe's untied." And the other guy says, "I know that." And they walk a couple blocks further, and they see a third friend, and he comes up and says, "Your shoe's untied." "Your shoe's un — " Aaah, I can't remember this joke. But it's good."
"[while vacuuming] I'm choking the alligator."
"[watches plane take off] Aw, Willie. I had a bad feeling. Damn. What the hell are you gonna do in Budapest?"
"John Lurie - Willie"
"Eszter Balint - Eva"
"Richard Edson - Eddie"
"Cecillia Stark - Aunt Lotte"
"Danny Rosen - Billy"
"Rammellzee - Man With Money"
"Tom DiCillo - Airline Agent"
"Richard Boes - Factory Worker"
"Rockets Redglare, Harvey Perr and Brian J. Burchill - Poker Players"
"Sara Driver - Girl With Hat"
"Paul Sloane - Motel Owner"
"I've had enough bad experiences and growth to last me plenty...Right now, I'd be glad to trade some growth for happiness."
"Man, she's got good looking handwriting."
"Look Toby, the guys in that movie are not 28 year-old file clerks who live with their grandmothers in an ethnic ghetto...They didn't get their computers like you did, by trading in a bunch of box tops and $49.50 at the supermarket...Sure, go to the movies and daydream, but Revenge of the Nerds ain't reality. It's just Hollywood bullshit."
"Yeah, I know I'm not as interesting as The Little Mermaid and all that magical crap."
"Why does everything in my life have to be such a complicated disaster?!"
"Harvey, we better skip this whole courtship thing and just get married."
"I guess I have a lot of borderline health disorders that limit me politically when it comes to eating."
"I'll have you know that I come from a very dysfunctional family. I can spot personality disorders a mile away."
"[referring to David Letterman] Megalomaniac."
"I find most of American cities to be depressing in the same way."
"I recommend the piña coladas. They are excellent and very authentic tasting."
"[to Harvey] You know, you should try believing in something bigger than yourself. It might cheer you up."
"[regarding "Revenge of the Nerds"] Yes, I consider myself a nerd. And this movie has uplifted me."
"Hamburgers are a safer addiction than drugs. Say no to drugs. Say yes to White Castle."
"Young Harvey: I ain't no super hero, lady. I'm just a kid from the neighborhood, all right?"
"Crumb: You turned yourself into a comic hero?"
"Real Harvey: It seemed that real, salt of the earth people like Toby and me were being co-opted by these huge corporations. We were getting held up and ridiculed as losers in the system. What can I say, it was the '80s, man."
"Danielle: [to Harvey] Joyce is right. You are obsessive-compulsive."
"Paul Giamatti — Harvey Pekar"
"Hope Davis — Joyce Brabner"
"Harvey Pekar — Real Harvey"
"Shari Springer Berman — Interviewer"
"James Urbaniak — Robert Crumb"
"Judah Friedlander — Toby Radloff"
"Earl Billings — Mr. Boats"
"Joyce Brabner — Real Joyce"
"Toby Radloff — Real Toby"
"Madylin Sweeten — Danielle"
"James McCaffrey — Fred"
"Danielle Batone — Real Danielle"
"Maggie Moore — Alice Quinn"
"Molly Shannon — Stage Joyce"
"Donal Logue — Stage Harvey"
"[in Mexico, upon receiving a phone call asking him to report to Cleveland Indians spring training] ... is that you, Tolbert?! This isn't very funny, you know. I'm hung over! My knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees!"
"[to Rexman] Hey, Rexman! Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, you guys trailing by one in the ninth. You got a chance to be a hero on national television–if you don't blow it. By the way, I saw your wife at the Capri Lounge last night. Hell of a dancer. You must be very very proud. Oh, and that guy she was with? Oh, I'm sure he's a close personal friend and all, but tell me, what was he doing wearing her panties on his head? [Rexman pops the ball straight up] Uh-oh, Rexy I don't think this one's got the distance."
"Second base... [underthrows second baseman] shit."
"[about to find out whether he's made the team] Come on Jake. It's only your life."
"[He tries to throw a runner out, talking to himself] Don't bounce the damn ball...[Overthrows the second baseman] Nice throw, dickhead."
"[preparing for Vaughn's first pitch to Heywood. Vaughn shakes off the breaking pitches, until Taylor finally signals for a fastball, which Vaughn nods at] Alright, Ricky. Let's get nasty."
"[to Heywood when he swings and misses on Vaughn's 97 MPH fastball] Sucker was moving, wasn't it? If it'd hit you, it'd leave a 2-foot hole coming out."
"[sliding into home plate in a tux] The American Express Card. Don't steal home without it."
"[Introducing himself] Say, hey! Willie Mays Hayes. I play like Mays, and I run like Hayes."
"Don't you guys go anywhere. I plan to put on a hitting display."
"Cerrano's looking for some extra power for tonight. He's looking to sacrifice a live chicken. Hey Jake, man, we can't have people puking in the locker room before the game!"
"[later, with Cerrano about to strike out again] We should've got the live chicken."
"In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few here and there, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar."
"Vaughn, a juvenile delinquent in the off-season, in his major league debut."
"Vaughn into the windup for his first offering... [ball thrown several feet off the plate] Just a bit outside. He tried the corner and missed."
"Ball four...ball eight...low and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded on twelve straight pitches. Boy, how can these guys lay off pitches that close?"
"Just a reminder fans about Die Hard Night coming up here in the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant. [35 years prior.]"
"The post-game show is brought to you by... [searches through his papers] Christ, I can't find it. The hell with it!"
"Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor."
"Vaughn deals...and Heywood swings and crushes one towards South America. Tomlinson will need a visa to catch this one, it is out of here and there is nothing left but a vapor trail. [extended version] Let's hope we still have diplomatic relations with the country that baby lands in."
"Well, you can close the book on Kellner. [covers microphone with hand and turns to Monty] Thank God!"
"We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a helluva job."
"Heywood's a convicted felon, isn't he Monty? [Monty: Ah...doesn't really say it here.] Well, he should be!"
"Hayes is picked off! Well, so much for that. Personally I think we got hosed on that call."
"And for the Indians, that's one run on, let's see...one hit? That's all we got?, one goddamn hit? [Monty: You can't say "goddamn" on the air!] Don't worry; nobody's listening anyway."
"And the Indians win it! The Indians win it! OH MY GOD, THE INDIANS WIN IT!"
"Forget about the curve ball, Ricky. Give him the heater!"
"[After Hayes has made a Willie Mays style basket catch] Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fucking do it again."
"Well, you may run like Mays, but you hit like shit. With your speed, you should be hitting the ball on the ground and be legging them out. Every time I see you hit one in the air, you owe me twenty push-ups."
"[After Dorn has jumped out of the way of a ground ball and then tried to field it anyway] C'mon, Dorn ! Get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this '¡Olé!' bullshit!"
"[Contemplating Rick Vaughn in sleeveless uniform] Alright, Vaughn. They tell us you're a pitcher; you're sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves at this level, son! Understood?"
"Eddie Harris: Up your butt, Jobu."
"Eddie Harris: Are you trying to say that Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?"
"Eddie Harris: Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill."
"Pedro Cerrano: [having decided on a new use for Dorn's golf club covers] Hats for bats, keep bats warm."
"Pedro Cerrano: I'm pissed off now, Jobu... I go to you. I stick up for you. And you no help me now... I say FUCK YOU, Jobu. I do it myself."
"Pedro Cerrano: Is very bad to steal Jobu's rum... Is very bad."
"Roger Dorn: Let's cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: Strike this motherfucker out!"
"Roger Dorn: [Talking about a ground ball he missed] It was out of my reach. What did you want me to do, dive for it?"
"Rachel Phelps: Here's to the thrill of defeat, Charlie."
"Rachel Phelps: [while Wild Thing is playing] I hate this fucking song."
"When these three oddballs try to play hardball, the result is totally screwball."
"A comedy with bats and balls."
"Tom Berenger - Jake Taylor"
"Charlie Sheen - Rick Vaughn"
"Wesley Snipes - Willie Mays Hays"
"Rene Russo - Lynn Wells"
"Corbin Bernsen - Roger Dorn"
"Margaret Whitton - Rachel Phelps"
"James Gammon - Lou Brown"
"Bob Uecker - Harry Doyle"
"Chelcie Ross - Eddie Harris"
"Dennis Haysbert - Pedro Cerrano"
"[Deacon narrates following a non-chronological flashback, in which a porn producer kidnapped him and his friends and physically threatened them]"
"[Deacon's parents lie in bed watching a porn video, when their own portrait shows up in the background]"
"[Fading in to a class trip to the zoo. The class stares down at a dolphin tank. Due to the humidity around the tank, the nipples of the large breasted older teacher are even more noticeably pokey than before]"
"Erik von Detten - Deacon"
"Tony Denman - Fred"
"Daniel Farber (actor) - Mat"
"Sarah-Jane Potts - Ashley"
"Amy Smart - Naomi"
"Tom Arnold (actor) - Mr. Lewis"
"Dey Young - Mrs. Lewis"
"Riley Smith - Jake"
"Samm Levine - Roger"
"Anders Hedman - Max (K)"
"Brooke Dillman - Biology / Health Teacher"
"Daniella Evangelista - Wendy"
"Heather Hanson - Hairdresser"
"Music is all that matters. One hour on stage makes up for the other 23."
"[during a fight with her brother Joe] You really ought of start your own band. Call it The Attitudes."
"Smittie: [Joe pays Smittie for some tools Patti stole from his brother-in-law] I like you, you're all right. You've got real family loyalty. Too bad your sister ain't worth it!"
"Michael J. Fox - Joe Rasnick"
"Gena Rowlands - Jeanette Rasnick"
"Joan Jett - Patti Rasnick"
"Michael McKean - Bu Montgomery"
"Thomas G. Waites - Smittie"
"Cherry Jones - Cindy Montgomery"
"Michael Dolan - Gene Bodine"
"Billy L. Sullivan - Benji Rasnick"
"Jason Miller - Benjamin Rasnick"
"Tom Irwin - Reverend Ansley"
"Michael Rooker - Oogie"
"Well, what do you expect? "A grown man living in a kid's world." What do you think I'm doing out there? Cashing in my E tickets for a ride through the Magic Kingdom? You think I'm playing my gigs in The Haunted House?"
"See, it's not that we don't want to have our heart torn out, it's just that we're trying to make a ballsy record here."
"[Reading Matty's song lyrics to Marion] "Hey, baby, don't be cruel. I'm gonna pick you up and we'll have a date at the pizza parlor. You can have a pizza, and I can have one, too. But you didn't want a pizza, so I said 'So long, babe.'" See that? And you were worried that he was going to be a songwriter."
"Paul Simon - Jonah Levin"
"Blair Brown - Marion Levin"
"Rip Torn - Walter Fox"
"Joan Hackett - Lonnie Fox"
"Allen Garfield - Cal van Damp"
"Mare Winningham - Modeena Dandridge"
"Michael Pearlman - Matty Levin"
"Lou Reed - Steve Kunelian"
"Steve Gadd - Danny Duggin"
"Eric Gale - Lee-Andrew Parker"
"Tony Levin - John Dibatista"
"Richard Tee - Clarence Franklin"
"Harry Shearer - Bernie Wepner"
"Daniel Stern - Hare Krishna"