128 quotes found
"[Opening narration] I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance. [sigh] But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology."
"This is the damndest season I've ever had; the Durham Bulls can't lose and I can't get laid!"
"[narrating] Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth, and the fundamental ontological riddles of our time, but it's also a job."
"[narrating] The world's made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness."
"[narrating] "Full many a flower's born to blush unseen and waste its sweetness on the desert air." - Thomas Gray...or William Cullen Bryant, I don't know. I get them mixed up."
"[Closing narration] Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball. It's our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us." You could look it up."
"[To Nuke] Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the Show, you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the Show, however, it means you're a slob."
"[Turns on the sprinklers on a ball field] Oh my goodness, we've got ourselves a natural disaster!"
"[Adjusts Nuke's garter belt] The rose goes on the front, big guy."
"[To the batter after Nuke ignores his signs] This sonofabitch's pitching a 2-hit shutout and he's shaking me off, you believe that shit? Charlie, here comes the deuce, and when you speak of me, speak well."
"Never fuck with a winning streak."
"[Complaining to an umpire] That was a cocksucking call!"
"You know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is? It's 25 hits. 25 hits in 500 at-bats is 50 points, okay? There's six months in a season; that's about twenty-five weeks. That means if you get just one extra flare a week, just one; A gork, a groundball—you get a groundball with eyes—you get a dying quail...just one more dying quail a week, and you're in Yankee Stadium."
"I've been known on occasion to howl at the moon."
"[Repeated line] C'mon, Meat. Bring me that weak-ass shit."
"[Describing his first night with Annie] We didn't fuck. She just read poetry to me all night. It was more tiring than fucking."
""Limping jets of love"...Hey, Crash. Does that mean what I think it means, "limping jets of love"?"
"[Wearing Annie's garter belt under his uniform for the first time] This underwear feels kinda sexy...that don't make me queer, right? Right."
"Why does he want me to throw the heat again, I just threw it. No, don't think, Meat, just give him the gas."
"[Gives up a hit in a close game] Shit, piss, fuck!"
"A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while."
"A Major League love story in a Minor League town."
"It's all about sex and sport. What else is there?"
"Romance is a lot like baseball. It's not whether you win or lose. It's how you play the game."
"A movie about America's other favorite pastime."
"Kevin Costner - Lawrence "Crash" Davis"
"Susan Sarandon - Annie Savoy"
"Tim Robbins - Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh"
"Trey Wilson - Joe "Skip" Riggins"
"Robert Wuhl - Larry Hockett"
"William O'Leary - Jimmy"
"Jenny Robertson - Millie"
"Danny Gans - Deke"
"Max Patkin - Himself"
"You see Billy it's like this, you either smoke or you get smoked. And you got smoked."
"You can put a cat in an oven, but that don't make it a biscuit."
"Oh man shut your anorexic malnutrition tapeworm-having overdose on Dick Gregory Bahamian diet-drinking ass up. Leave me alone!"
"Can anybody step in for mr. handicap? Anybody, for Mr. Motherfucking March of Dimes?"
"Billy, listen to me. White men can't jump."
"I don't mean to brag... but I'm the greatest!"
"It's hard work makin' you look so bad."
"You still putting up bricks? What is this a masons convention? Clang!! Clang!! I need welding torch to play in this leauge. Lets stop right now and gather up all these bricks and build a shelter for the homeless so that your mother will have a place to live. I want your Mother and Sister out of my house immediately !!"
"A white man wants to win first, look good second. A black man wants to look good first, win second."
"Yo, pretty boy! I looked up basketball player in the dictionary and it said 'Not you!'."
"You're too pretty to play basketball, you know that? You got that Z in your 'fro! Hey man, what are you, the Black Zorro?"
"Keep singin' guys... My old man was a preacher... I love this shit!"
"Who you callin' a pilgrim motherfucker? Gobble this turkey!"
"I'm in a fuckin' zone!"
"It is hard God damn work, making something this pretty look like a chump!"
"Gloria: See. if I'm thirsty. I don't want a glass of water, I want you to sympathize. I want you to say, "Gloria, I too know what it feels like to be thirsty. I too have had a dry mouth." I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness."
"Junior: We goin' Sizzla! We goin' Sizzla!"
"Zeke: No, no, no, no...Billy Boy, this is Ghana. You, my friend, are shooting for The Sudan."
"Rhonda Deane: All I care about is getting out of the Vista View apartments, because there ain't no 'vista', there ain't no "view", and there certainly ain't no vista of no view."
"Junior: Billy Ho! Good ta see ya Billy ya look swell!"
"Raymond: who rattled your cage dickhead?"
"Wesley Snipes - Sidney Deane"
"Woody Harrelson - Billy Hoyle"
"Rosie Perez - Gloria Clemente"
"Tyra Ferrell - Rhonda Deane"
"Cylk Cozart - Robert"
"Kadeem Hardison - Junior"
"Ernest Harden Jr. - George"
"John Marshall Jones - Walter"
"Marques Johnson - Raymond"
"David Roberson - T.J."
"Kevin Benton - Zeke."
"[to Molly] "Fuck." "Shit." These are highly technical golf terms; You're using them on your first lesson. This is promising."
"Does my inner child need a spanking?"
"[to Boone, who doesn't want to wager against Roy's car] That's because you think of it as transportation, Boone. Think of it as bragging rights. Think of yourself sitting around the bar, crowing to your cronies about the Cadillac you won from me. They'll forget all about the Winnebago you lost to me."
"[to Molly] I'm going to qualify for the U.S. Open and kick your boyfriend's ass. Whatever you think of me, you should know he hates old people, children, and dogs."
"Way I'm swinging today, nothing bugs me except insufficient applause."
"You know someone once said that golf and sex are the only two things you don't have to be good at to enjoy."
"Well, what the hell? You ride her until she bucks you or don't ride at all."
"I can always tell when someone's lying to himself. But I am quite susceptible and frequently wrong when that person lies to me!"
"Why do men always insist on measuring their dicks?"
"I find him... mildly attractive when he's obnoxious and arrogant like this."
"Look, boss, I only got one rule. And that's never bet money that you don't have on a dog race with an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a stripper."
"[to Roy] You won't listen to me, will you? Even when I'm trying to help you, man. After all these years you think I'm full of shit?"
"[to Roy] You're a head case. You always have been, always will be."
"Clint: [about Molly] How can such a pretty girl have such an ugly swing."
"Earl: [about Roy] The word normal and him don't often collide in the same sentence."
"David Simms: Can you people not see that I'm busy? I'm working. This is my office. Do I come to your office and ask for an autograph? I don't think so. Jesus. What an ugly dog."
"TV Director: Another driving range pro, it's all we needed. It's heroes that I need. Not obscure driving range pros."
"Jim Nantz: Unbelievable. McAvoy has done it. You just saw the greatest round in U.S. Open history. The all-time lowest round in a major doesn't belong to a Jack Nicklaus or an Arnold Palmer, Hogan, Nelson or Snead. It's been shot by the most improbable artist of all. Roy McAvoy has his signature on golf's all-time masterpiece round."
"Doreen: [to Molly] You're not one of those women who tries to fix men, I hope. I mean, men cannot be fixed, and especially him."
"Kevin Costner - Roy 'Tin Cup' McAvoy"
"Rene Russo - Dr. Molly Griswold"
"Don Johnson - David Simms"
"Cheech Marin - Romeo Posar"
"Linda Hart - Doreen"
"Dennis Burkley - Earl"
"Rex Linn - Dewey"
"Lou Myers - Clint"
"Richard Lineback - Curt"
"George Perez - Jose"
"Mickey Jones - Turk"
"Michael Milhoan - Boone"
"You don't have to hate a man to completely destroy him."
"If a man builds 1,000 bridges and sucks one dick, they don't call him a bridge-builder... they call him a cocksucker."
"I am an atheist, thank God!"
"Cesar's Garden Trainer: [Talking to Cesar right before his big fight in Madison Square Garden against Velario] Cesar, listen up. These next 36 minutes is gonna' change the rest of your life. If you've ever listened, you'll listen now. You understand that? We've prepared for this. This guy is older than you. He's not as young as you. He can't stay twelve rounds. But one thing he CAN do is he can think. And he can set you up..."
"Two best friends take a shot at hitting it big."
"No one hits as hard as your best friend."
"Woody Harrelson - Vince Boudreau"
"Antonio Banderas - Cesar Dominguez"
"Lolita Davidovich - Grace Pasic"
"Tom Sizemore - Joe Domino"
"Lucy Liu - Lia"
"Robert Wagner - Hank Goody"
"Richard Masur - Artie"
"Willie Garson - "Cappie" Caplan"
"Cylk Cozart - Rudy"
"Jack Carter - Dante Solomon"
"Aida Turturro - Mad Greek Waitress"
"I want you to meet the finest yes-men in Louisiana and their lovely wives."
"The three best friends the poor people have ever had are Jesus Christ, Sears & Roebuck and Earl K. Long."
"Paul Newman as Governor Earl Long"
"Lolita Davidovich as Blaze Starr"
"Jerry Hardin as Thibodeaux"
"Gailard Sartain as LaGrange"
"Jeffrey DeMunn as Eldon Tuck"
"Richard Jenkins as Picayune"
"Brandon Smith as Arvin Deeter"
"Robert Wuhl as Red Snyder"
"James Harper as Willie Rainach"
"Harrison Ford as Detective-Sergeant Joe Gavilan"
"Josh Hartnett as Detective K.C. Calden"
"Bruce Greenwood as Lieutenant Bernard "Bennie" Macko"