79 quotes found
"[looking at the behinds of the Miss Black Awareness pageant contestants] I didn't come to preach to you today...But you know, when I look at these contestants! For the Miss Black Awareness Pageant, I feel good! I feel good, because I know there's a God somewhere! There's a God somewhere! Turn around ladies for me please! You know there's a God who sits on high and looks down low! Man cannot make it like this! Larry Flynt! Hugh Hefner! They can take the picture, but they can't make it! Only God above, the Hugh Hefner on high, can make it for ya!"
"Now I want you to reach onto God's unchanging hand. He helped Joshua fight the Battle of Jericho. He helped Daniel escape the lion's den. He helped Gilligan get off the island."
"This summer, Prince Akeem discovers America."
"The Four Funniest Men in America are Eddie Murphy."
"Eddie Murphy - Prince Akeem/Clarence/Randy Watson/Saul"
"Arsenio Hall - Semmi/Morris/Reverend Brown/last (ugly) woman in bar scene."
"James Earl Jones - King Jaffe Joffer"
"John Amos - Cleo McDowell"
"Madge Sinclair - Queen Aoleon"
"Shari Headley - Lisa McDowell"
"Eriq La Salle - Darryl Jenks"
"Allison Dean - Patrice McDowell"
"Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Boy in Barber Shop"
"Samuel L. Jackson - Hold Up Man at McDowell's"
"[while acting blind and legless] Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'. You seen "Porgy and Bess"? [the woman begins to walk away] We can make it, baby! Me and you!... You BITCH!"
"[after demonstrating some fake karate moves while in jail] That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a person's body."
"[watching cops subduing an unruly suspect] May I suggest using your night stick officer?"
"When I was a kid, if we wanted a jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub."
"Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that had me busted."
"[introducing himself] Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn."
"[to Penelope, as he is leaving jail] Those men wanted to have sex with me!"
"I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro. [sees Billy and attacks]."
"He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? MY Harvard tie. Like oh, sure, HE went to Harvard."
"[noticing Louis watch her undress] By the way, food and rent aren't the only things around here that cost money. You sleep on the couch."
"Officer Reynolds: [to Louis] Strip, you little shit, before I tear your ass!"
"Corrupt Cop: [Takes some PCP out of a baggie and tastes it] That's PCP! Phenycyclidine. Angel dust! You ever seen what this stuff does to kids? You're looking at 3 to 5 mandatory... Louis!"
"Bunny: And she stepped on the ball."
"Even Bigger Black Guy: It ain't cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving."
"Harvey: Monkey? MONKEY! I'm a gorilla, you clown!"
"Beeks: Hey. Back off! I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain."
"They're not just getting rich... They're getting even."
"Some very funny business."
"Take two complete strangers, make one of them rich the other poor... just watch the fun while they're... TRADING PLACES"
"Dan Aykroyd - Louis Winthorpe III"
"Eddie Murphy - Billy Ray Valentine"
"Jamie Lee Curtis - Ophelia"
"Denholm Elliott - Coleman"
"Ralph Bellamy - Randolph Duke"
"Don Ameche - Mortimer Duke"
"Paul Gleason - Clarence Beeks"
"Kristin Holby - Penelope Witherspoon"
"Frank Oz - Corrupt Cop"
"Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited!"
"Brutal! Savage! Beyond Perversion!"
"[after decapitating a prisoner] Now take him to be tortured!"
"We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the tradition of our ancestors. You have our gratitude."
"[telephone rings, answering machine picks up] Herro. This is Dr. Klahn. I'm not home right now. Leave a message when you hear the beep. You have our gratitude. [gong sound]"
"No! Not water! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ohhh! I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! It was a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude!"
"Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness."
"In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer."
"It is also important to know what to do you when you die. 1) Don't try to drive a car. 2) Do not operate heavy machinery. 3) Do not talk."
"The popcorn you are eating has been pissed in, film at eleven."
"I'm not wearing any pants, film at eleven."
"Moscow in flames, missiles headed to New York, film at eleven."
"Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles, film at eleven."
"Argon Spokesman: Here at our multi-billion dollar refinery in Fairbanks, we're extracting 2.5 billion barrels of crude oil each day from teenagers' faces."
"Argon Spokesman: At Argon, we're working to keep your money!"
"A.M. Newscaster: It's 19 minutes after the hour, and now it's time for our daily feature The Astrological Hour. A quick reminder these reports are not intended to foster belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives."
"Loo: What was that? This is not a chawade. We need total concentwation."
"Announcer: It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how he performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half hour, you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it. Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker!"
"Game Show Announcer: Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain, and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!"
"Pennington: Klahn has been connected with every sort of nefarious activity. You name it - opium, weapons traffic, assassination, motion picture distribution..."
"Mrs. Hefsteder: Three years ago our Johnny died. We thought there was no hope, but then we discovered the United Appeal for the Dead. They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap, he could still be a useful member of our family and the community. Our United Appeal for the Dead caseworker showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body didn't have to mean his absence from our daily lives."
"PA Announcement: This is not a drill - drills go Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker-Black-and-Decker..."
"Bill Bixby - Himself (segment "Headache Clinic")"
"Marilyn Joi - Cleopatra Schwartz (segment "Cleopatra Schwartz")"
"Tony Dow - Wally (segment "Courtroom")"
"George Lazenby - The Architect (segment "That's Armageddon")"
"Donald Sutherland - The Clumsy Waiter (segment "That's Armageddon")"
"Tara Strohmeier - Girl (segment "Eyewitness News")"
"Bong Soo Han - Dr. Klahn (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"
"Evan C. Kim - Loo (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"
"Eric Micklewood - Asquith (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"
"Derek Murcott - Pennington (segment "A Fistful of Yen")"
"Henry Gibson - Himself (segment "United Appeal for the Dead")"
"William Tregoe - John Fitzsimmons (segment "A.M. Today")"
"Eloise Hardt - Sheila Hamilton (segment "A.M. Today")"
"Poole was right! You are an ox and a moron!"
"[removing Connie's many weapons] It's like disarming Germany."