Comedians from New York City

151 quotes found

"I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off."

- Ray Romano

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"Living with kids is like living in a frat house... everything's broken, nobody sleeps, and there's alot of throwing up"

- Ray Romano

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"When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile."

- George Burns

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"I've had worried parents come up to me and ask me for advice. They'll say "I don't know what to do. My teenage son won't cut his hair, he drives too fast, and I don't know what that stuff is he listens to, but it sure isn't music." I'll just say to them "I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. By the time he's my age, I don't think you'll need to worry about him anymore.""

- George Burns

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"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

- George Burns

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"If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it."

- George Burns

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"At my age, all my friends, doctors, and attorneys are dead. The good thing about this is that there's no one left who can refute my stories."

- George Burns

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"Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another city."

- George Burns

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"Lady, it rose below vulgarity."

- Mel Brooks

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"Who's the dummy writing this show?!"

- Mel Brooks

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"I was in the middle of shooting the last few weeks of Blazing Saddles somewhere in the Antelope Valley, and Gene Wilder and I were having a cup of coffee and he said, I have this idea that there could be another "Frankenstein." I said not another — we've had the son of, the cousin of, the brother-in-law, we don't need another Frankenstein. His idea was very simple: What if the grandson of Dr. Frankenstein wanted nothing to do with the family whatsoever. He was ashamed of those wackos. I said, "That's funny.""

- Mel Brooks

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"Comedy is a weird but very beautiful thing. Even though it seems foolish and silly and crazy, comedy has the most to say about the human condition. Because if you can laugh, you can get by. You can survive when things are bad when you have a sense of humor."

- Mel Brooks

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"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes."

- Mel Brooks

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"If they [presidents] can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country."

- Mel Brooks

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"To me, tragedy is if I'll cut my finger, that's tragedy...Comedy is if you walk into an open sewer and die."

- Mel Brooks

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"[explaining that Paul Revere was Anti-Semitic] He was scared they were moving into the neighborhood. "They're coming, they're coming. The Yiddish, they're coming""

- Mel Brooks

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"After I eat asparagus..."

- Mel Brooks

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"You know Cuneiform? You know Sanskrit? It's neither of those."

- Mel Brooks

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"Angel of Death ain't kissing me! I'm full of garlic!"

- Mel Brooks

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"It's Wheird, there's an H in there. Gotta hit that H otherwise they think I'm some sort of a kook!"

- Mel Brooks

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"[on ancient poetry] Nog Nog! Mkellen bebog! V'luch Matuch Maluch M'tog!"

- Mel Brooks

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"[on the greatest invention] Liquid Prell."

- Mel Brooks

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"No! You don't wear a hat on your gentles! You wear a hat on your head where you're supposed to wear a hat!"

- Mel Brooks

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"[On Churchill's Accent] "Ve must conquer da Narjies!" Now, we were fighting and killing Nazis. We all left and went looking for Narjies!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Max Bialystock: That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Max Bialystock: I'm wearing a cardboard belt!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Stormtrooper Mel : Don't be stupid, be a smarty Come and join the Nazi Party!"

- Mel Brooks

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"LSD as Adolf Hitler: Heil Baby!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Lead Tenor Stormtrooper: Springtime, for Hitler, and Germany Winter, for Poland and France!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?"

- Mel Brooks

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"Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings! Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?"

- Mel Brooks

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"Hope for the best. Expect the worst. The world's a stage. We're unrehearsed. No way of knowing which way it's going. Take your chances, there are no answers. Hope for the best. Expect the worst."

- Mel Brooks

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"Jim "The Waco Kid": My name is Jim, but most people call me...Jim."

- Mel Brooks

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"Sheriff Bart: Good mornin', ma'am! And isn't it a lovely mornin'? Old Woman: Up yours, nigger! Jim "The Waco Kid": [consoling Bart afterwards]: What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers … these are people of the land … the common clay of the New West. You know – morons."

- Mel Brooks

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"Sheriff Bart: Excuse me while I whip this out."

- Mel Brooks

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"Sheriff Bart: Where the white women at?"

- Mel Brooks

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"Railway Worker: You shifty nigger! They said you was hung! Sheriff Bart : And they was right!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Sheriff Bart [waking up a drunk Jim in jail]: Are we awake? Jim "The Waco Kid": We're not sure. Are we...black? Sheriff Bart: Yes, we are. Jim "The Waco Kid": Then we're awake, but we're very puzzled."

- Mel Brooks

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"Sheriff Bart: Since I am your host and you are my guest what are your hobbies? What do you like to do in your free time? Jim "The Waco Kid": Oh you know, play chess...screw. Sheriff Bart: (Quickly) Let's play chess!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Igor: My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up."

- Mel Brooks

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"Igor (limping off): Walk this way — and Dr. Frankenstein limps off after him."

- Mel Brooks

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"Dr. Frankenstein:: Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags? Igor:: [doing a Groucho Marx] Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban."

- Mel Brooks

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"Igor:: Sed-a... Inga:: Sed-a... Igor:: Dirty word! He said a dirty word!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Dr. Frankenstein Damn your eyes! Igor (pointing at his lazy eye) Too late!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Josephus: I'm Josephus, and I'm the main course over at the Colosseum!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Count de Monet: [consistently mispronounced as "count da money"] Bearnaise? Bernaise: Yes? Count de Monet: Do we have any of those delicious raisins left? Bearnaise: You ate yours. These are mine. Count de Monet: Au contraire, they are mine! I paid for them! Hand them over! Bearnaise: [gives the bag of raisins to the Count, sotto voce, mimicking] 'Au contraire, I paid for them! They're mine!' [blows a raspberry] Count de Monet: Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise! Bernaise: [mouths] Bitch."

- Mel Brooks

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"Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting King Louis XVI: You said it. They stink on ice."

- Mel Brooks

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"Impoverished Paris Street Merchant (Jack Carter): Rats, rats for sale. Get your rats. Good for rat stew, rat soup, or the ever-popular ratatouille."

- Mel Brooks

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"Other Street Merchant: Nothing, I have absolutely nothing for sale!"

- Mel Brooks

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"King Louis XVI: [prior to his arrest] It's good to be the king. [also used in Robin Hood- Men In Tights and The Producers [Musical]]"

- Mel Brooks

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"Tomás de Torquemada: It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull."

- Mel Brooks

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"Moses: Lord, I shall give these laws unto thy people. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?! All pay heed! The Lord! The Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen- [drops one of the tablets] Oy. Ten! Ten commandments! For all to obey!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Madame Defarge: And now, let us end this meeting on a high note. [proceeds to sing a sharp high note, followed by the rest of the revolutionaries]"

- Mel Brooks

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"Jail Inmates: Eighty fff...Eighty fff...Eighty fff...Eighty fff...Eighty Six!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Excuse me, is this England?"

- Mel Brooks

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"Dark Helmet: I see your schwartz is as big as mine."

- Mel Brooks

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"Radar Officer: I've lost the sweeps, the bleeps, and the creeps! [Explains via vocal sound effects] Dark Helmet [aside to Colonel Sandurz]: That's not all he's lost."

- Mel Brooks

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"Dark Helmet : What? You went over my helmet?"

- Mel Brooks

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"President Skroob: What the hell, it works on Star Trek!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz... chicken?!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Dark Helmet [after everyone on the bridge announces that their last name is "Asshole."]: I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes."

- Mel Brooks

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"Lonestar: That's all we needed, a Druish Princess!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Dark Helmet : So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb."

- Mel Brooks

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"Ahchoo:Man, white men can't jump!!"

- Mel Brooks

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"King Richard: From this day forward, all toilets in this kingdom shall be known as...'Johns'!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Little John: Let's face it — you've got to be a man to wear tights!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Man In Front of Castle: Hey Abbot!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Townspeople: A black sheriff? Blinkin: He's Black?! Ahchoo: Why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles."

- Mel Brooks

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"Robin Hood: Watch my back! Achoo: Yo' back just got punched twice."

- Mel Brooks

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"Will Scarlet Blinkin, fix your boobs, you look like a bleeding Picasso."

- Mel Brooks

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"Blinkin Aaahhhh, you lost your arms in battle, but you grew some nice boobs (Blinkin gropes the Venus De Milo statue left behind after creditors take away Loxley Castle)"

- Mel Brooks

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"Robin Hood: Because unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a English accent."

- Mel Brooks

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"Sheriff of Rotingham King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!"

- Mel Brooks

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"Spiegel: Can you also get your revenge on him by using comedy?"

- Mel Brooks

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"He understands not only with his brain but with his heart. And that might be called love. Not quite sure, but maybe that's the key."

- Mel Brooks

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"Mel Brooks has all the consistency of Spike Milligan, the subtle self-censorship of Benny Hill, and the human warmth of Bob Monkhouse. It's a good job he has the brassneck and occasional brainstorms of Mel Brooks or he would be a monster."

- Mel Brooks

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"Mel is sensual with me. He treats me like an uncle — a dirty uncle. He's an earthy man and very moral underneath. He has traditional values."

- Mel Brooks

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"All the apprehensions that surface in Brooks's comedy have the same eventual source: a fear — or, to put it more positively, a hatred — of death."

- Mel Brooks

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"Inka dinka doo, a dinka dee, A dinka doo. Oh, what a tune for crooning. Inka dinka doo, a dinka dee A dinka doo. It's got the whole world spooning."

- Jimmy Durante

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"Don't put no constrictions on da people. Leave 'em ta hell alone."

- Jimmy Durante

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"That's the conditions that prevail!"

- Jimmy Durante

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"I'm mortified!"

- Jimmy Durante

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"Surrounded by assassins!"

- Jimmy Durante

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"Everybody wants ta get inta da act!"

- Jimmy Durante

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"I don't know where it's going, but I'm sticking with it!"

- Jimmy Durante

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"I was hurt so deep that I made up my mind never to hurt anybody else, no matter what. I never made jokes about anybody's big ears, their stut- terin', or about them bein' off their nut."

- Jimmy Durante

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"Goodnight Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are."

- Jimmy Durante

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"Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did."

- Jimmy Durante

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"Be awful nice to 'em goin' up, because you're gonna meet 'em all comin' down."

- Jimmy Durante

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"I like how if you criticize the war you don't support the troops. You're the ones sending them over to die, so how is it I don’t support them? If the army was made up of child molesters, then I'd support them. If we went to an all child molester army, I would be their biggest supporter. "Please don't bring the troops home. Stay the course. Keep them there a long time." But they're not child molesters. And they're not the Twins, that’s for sure. Where are the Twins? Send in the Twins. I'd like to hear that scene. "Jenna, Barbara... Daddy and I have talked it over and we want you to go fight in Iraq." …Ah, what's the use?"

- Larry David

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"If every student was like me in college, we'd still be in Vietnam."

- Larry David

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"One thing about Hitler that I admire is that he wouldn't take any shit from magicians." (Larry David: Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO special)"

- Larry David

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"Let me tell you something; I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish. (When accused of being a self-loathing Jew; Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2, Episode 3, "Trick or Treat")"

- Larry David

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"(on not going to his high school prom) I wasn't aware of the prom. I had no idea that it was even going on, not that I would have gone. It's not the kind of thing that would ever occur to me. You would think I would have heard about it in school, but I didn't. (Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Book)"

- Larry David

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"Pretty...pretty...pretty......pretty.....pretty good. (Curb Your Enthusiasm, passim)"

- Larry David

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"This is a sad day for the Emmy's. It is, however, a good day for Larry David. I imagine the wife will be forthcoming tonight. (Accepting an Emmy Award)"

- Larry David

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"(Asked if he believes in miracles) I believe that every erection is a miracle. (Curb Season 7, Episode 6 "The Bare Midriff")."

- Larry David

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"I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people."

- Larry David

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"I have to let him know that he's potentially destroying his movie, that he could be making a terrible, terrible error. I needed to let him know that I didn't know or think that I was capable of doing this."

- Larry David

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"I've had some experience in this arena. So it wasn't foreign to me to have a woman say she doesn't want to see me anymore."

- Larry David

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"Listen, this is crazy. I look like I'm 75 years old. Nobody wants to watch an old man being funny. That's just a fact. No one wants to see this old man on TV."

- Larry David

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"A lot of sexual harassment stuff in the news, and I couldn't help but notice a very disturbing pattern emerging, which is that many of the predators, not all, but many of them are Jews"

- Larry David

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"I even found myself doing a routine on Saturday Night Live with my impersonator Larry David, who did Bernie Sanders better than I did."

- Larry David

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"All I can say is at 82, if I had it to live over again, I'd live it the same, sweet — or not so sweet — way. At 82, I feel like a 20-year-old. But unfortunately, there's never one around."

- Milton Berle

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"I took over the Moran and Mack spot and wowed them. The theater owner's report to the booker of the entire circuit was a glowing review. A week later I was booked on a bigger circuit. I kept working and polishing my act until the GIANT door opened for me and there was the big time ... the Palace Theater [sic] on Broadway. P.S. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

- Milton Berle

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"I think that anyone who is full of life loves repetition. For example, a child. You put a child on your knee and tell the child a story, the child will say, "Do it again." You blow smoke through your nose or through your ears, and the child will say, "Do it again." And God is full of life, and every morning He says to the sun, "Do it again," and every evening He says to the moon and stars, "Do it again," and every time a child is born into the world, He asks for a divine encore and says, "Do it again." And, Milton, for sixty years you've entertained us, and you've made us laugh, and we say to you, "Milton, do it again.""

- Milton Berle

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"Fulton J. Sheen, October 13, 1973, addressing a banquet commemorating Berle's 60th year in show business; as quoted in Milton Berle: An Autobiography (1974), p. 325"

- Milton Berle

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"Your audience gives you everything you need. They tell you. There is no director who can direct you like an audience. You step out on the stage and you can feel it is a nervous audience. So you calm them down. I come out before an audience and maybe my house burned down an hour ago, maybe my husband stayed out all night, but I stand there. I'm still. I don't move. I wait for the introduction. Maybe I cough. Maybe I touch myself. But before I do anything, I got them with me, right there in my hand and comfortable. That's my job, to make them comfortable, because if they wanted to be nervous they could have stayed home and added up their bills."

- Fanny Brice

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"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"

- Fanny Brice

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"John always said he had three favorite women. Fanny Brice, Carole Lombard and me."

- Fanny Brice

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"People lose their senses at the beach 'cause the sun beats down too hard. They say things that just don't gel, you know. Well, you've heard this a lot: "Pick up a shell - oh, you can hear the ocean!" You could pick up a bicycle and hear the ocean - you're at the beach. Put the shell down, you'll hear the ocean twice as loud."

- Unknown

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"I tour the South, though, I do. I love touring the South. Some people up North are afraid of the South, it's weird. I'll do a show in, like, Alabama. I'll tell someone I did a show in Alabama and they'll be like, "Oh my God! What was that like?" Oh, you know, chairs, a microphone. Oh, I'm sorry, I know what you're looking for. I'll tell you what it was like. Well, I flew into Birmingham. The Imperial Wizard from the Klan picked me up at the airport. Rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of "jewboy go home." At the end of the night I go "Where's my check?" They go, "You're not gettin' a check. You're gettin' this bag of porkrinds." Is that the answer you were looking for, you narrow-minded fake-liberal fuck?"

- Todd Barry

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"I... was not too happy to suddenly take on this public role thrust upon me. They just assumed I was the Joan of Arc of the women's movement. And I wasn't at all. It put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me."

- Bea Arthur

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"Making lasting gifts for animals in our estate plans is perhaps the single most important thing we can do to ensure animals have the strongest possible voice for their protection."

- Bea Arthur

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"That town was stifling. Three of us got out. Me, John Barth and the guy who wrote "You Are My Sunshine." My dream was to become a very small blonde movie star like and those other women I saw up there on the screen during the Depression."

- Bea Arthur

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"I can't imagine working without an audience."

- Bea Arthur

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"PETA has a proven track record of success. Each victory PETA wins for the animals is a stepping stone upon which we build a more compassionate world for all beings - and we will never give up our fight until all animals are treated with respect and kindness."

- Bea Arthur

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"I suddenly realized that comedy, for me, was just being honest, and playing it for real. I've seen so many wonderful actors who turn into creatures from another planet when they're told they are supposed to be playing comedy. I... was not too happy to suddenly take on this public role thrust upon me. They just assumed I was the Joan of Arc of the women's movement. And I wasn't at all. It put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me. I'd never even been to Wrigley Field. I never even enjoyed baseball that much, but I loved being there, the crowd was lovely, and they all sang with me!"

- Bea Arthur

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"It was like the Beatles had arrived, you know. These four elderly ladies, and they were screaming for us-screaming for us. It was wonderful."

- Bea Arthur

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"You know, the way I'm accepted, I almost feel like Judy Garland, truly. It makes no sense to me because I don't think that I've been any more outspoken... Or maybe I have, I don't know. But everyone I know supports anything that has to do with raising money or with AIDS."

- Bea Arthur

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"I watch news programs and I love Comedy Central. I love The Daily Show-it's smarter than anything else. I also like The Critic and Celebrity Death Match and South Park. I love all of that."

- Bea Arthur

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"There were subjects we tackled that had never been even discussed, like I had an abortion. Nobody ever talked about that."

- Bea Arthur

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"I've been a Democrat my whole life. That's what makes Maude and Dorothy so believable, we have the same viewpoints on how our country should be handled."

- Bea Arthur

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"There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl."

- Joan Rivers

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"[Catchphrase:] Can we talk?"

- Joan Rivers

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"[Catchphrase:] Oh, grow up!"

- Joan Rivers

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"Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?"

- Joan Rivers

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"Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer."

- Joan Rivers

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"I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir.""

- Joan Rivers

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"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."

- Joan Rivers

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"My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy."

- Joan Rivers

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"Never floss with a stranger."

- Joan Rivers

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"It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up."

- Joan Rivers

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"Two is company; three is fifty bucks."

- Joan Rivers

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"Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear."

- Joan Rivers

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"Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty."

- Joan Rivers

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"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

- Joan Rivers

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"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."

- Joan Rivers

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"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash."

- Joan Rivers

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"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."

- Joan Rivers

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"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

- Joan Rivers

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"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'"

- Joan Rivers

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"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."

- Joan Rivers

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"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

- Joan Rivers

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"You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work."

- Joan Rivers

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"People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made."

- Joan Rivers

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"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again."

- Joan Rivers

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"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."

- Joan Rivers

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"No one loved life, laughter and a good time more than Joan. We would have dinner and laugh and gossip and I always left the table smiling. She was a brassy, often outrageous and hilarious performer who made millions laugh. In private, she was the picture of elegance and class. I will miss her."

- Joan Rivers

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"I would go to where [famous comedians] were, with an enormous tape recorder from the AV squad, and I would lie and say it was a real radio station. And when I got there, a child … had just shown up, and they would realize they got duped. But, they would talk to me anyway because they were really nice. And I would just say to Seinfeld, "How do you write a joke?" And I would force him to walk me through it. Or, I interviewed Harold Ramis: "How do you write a movie?" And those interviews changed my life because they really told me. It was my college. I had my college [education] in junior [year] of high school. I was just so obsessed, so I thought, "I'm gonna try to interview every original writer from Saturday Night Live. So, I interviewed Al Franken and Tom Davis and—. … What would happen is someone would be nice—like Alan Zweibel. I'd interview him and he would take out the phonebook and say, "I'm gonna hook you up with this person," and he would start giving me all the phone numbers. And I was obsessive. I was always trying to get Andy Kaufman, but … at the time he was always down south wrestling. And I would call his management office and they'd say, "We don't even know where he is.""

- Judd Apatow

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"This week we saw the horrible images and stories from Israel and Gaza, and I know what you're thinking: "Who better to comment on it than Pete Davidson?" Well, in a lot of ways, I am a good person to talk about it because when I was seven years old, my dad was killed in a terrorist attack. So I know something about what that's like. I saw so many terrible pictures this week of children suffering — Israeli children and Palestinian children. And It took me back to a really horrible, horrible place. No one in this world deserves to suffer like that, especially not kids, ya know? After my dad died, my mom tried pretty much everything she could do to cheer me up. I remember one day when I was eight, she got me what she thought was a Disney movie but it was actually the Eddie Murphy stand-up special, Delirious. We played it in the car on the way home, and when she heard the things Eddie Murphy was saying, she tried to take it away. But then she noticed something — for the first time in a long time, I was laughing again. I don't understand it, I really don't and I never will, but sometimes comedy is really the only way forward through tragedy. My heart is with everyone whose lives have been destroyed this week. But tonight, I'm gonna do what I've always done in the face of tragedy, and that's try to be funny. Remember, I said TRY."