Vic Reeves Big Night Out

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Britain's top light entertainer and singer...Vic Reeves!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses and welcome Britain's top light entertainer and singer...Vic Reeves!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, please loosen your jewellery and welcome Britain's top light entertainer and singer...Vic Reeves!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, comb your hair and welcome Britain's top light entertainer and singer...Vic Reeves!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, doff your caps and welcome Britain's top light entertainer and singer...Vic Reeves!"

"You would not believe it, ladies and gentlemen, out the back just now, Cliff Mitchelmore! Running, bombing along with this little, sort of like, wheelbarrow full of yoghurt, all these tiny little witches hovering above it...he must have been late or summat!"

"You wouldn't believe it backstage just now! Nicholas Witchell with a barrage-balloon sellotaped onto his back, trying to convince all these termites that he was their Queen!"

"You would not believe, you would not believe what's going on back there! I was round the back, Paddy Ashdown in a skimpy nightie! But it was a smart one, not a tarty one! And he was laughing at the contents of a kingfisher's diary..."

"You wouldn't believe what's going on round the back! There was Van Morrison, wearing quite a smart boob-tube. And he was climbing up this ladder with a bucket of piping hot houmous, and there was...Dr. Marietta Higgs is it? She was on the roof, she was saying 'Come on Van, man, I'm starving!'"

"Later on...we've got a family of trained puffins. They're going to be driving a vintage traction engine over some really nice, delicious fresh olives, without crushing them, mind! And they're going to be reversing it back through the smallest keyhole in Britain!"

"Later on we'll be meeting a Portugese fisherman who's going to pull all his hair out and grill it with a delicious cheese topping!"

"Later on we'll be meeting a tramp with a lamp and a little bit of cramp!"

"You know, I had a terrible day yesterday! My butler really beat me up yesterday! He cut me face, all these weeds fell out! I put a load of Savlon on me face and blocked up the high street, I got arrested!"

"I put so much petrol in my car the other day...I couldn't get in it!"

"So, there's all these greyhounds operating a switchboard in me attic, and I cut me face, the weeds fell out, spilt all over the place, perforated all these seagulls' beaks, and nothing seemed to happen at all. I was suspended in brine, it was as simple as that...!"

"D'you know, a lot of people say to me, 'Vic, why do you never contact the dead?'"

"Reeves, you workshy fop!"

"Nibbles the Comedy Duck will regurgitate shrimps on hearing you recite any of the Ten Commandments."

"I know doctors and dentists...Reeves, I have two stamps in my pocket that are slightly damp!"

"Victory is mine, you cannot deny the verdict of the ginger pop-star's hair! The truth is out, Reeves. No longer the smug git, eh? Quality has prevailed, and the voices in my head are silenced!"

"Donald: Davey, why are you wearing a kilt? Davey: So I can say 'Donald, where's your troosers!' Donald: I've got 'em on though, Davey! Davey: Oh, I haven't thought that one through...!"

"Donald: We are Donald and Davey Stott and we are redundant, to tell you the truth! Davey: We are both completely redundant!"

"It's not all walking!"

"I remember the summer of '75 I was your husband and you were my wife, We slept in a tent made of parsley and sage And we looked at each other and smiled."

"I played the drums whilst you played the flute Crash bang wallop and root-a-toot-toot! We laid an egg of an enormous size In the summer of '75."

"I don't stock Curly Wurlies, I find them far too elaborate!"

"I do have a lucky bag, which I made myself, which I sell in the shop. It's made from my wife's surgical harness bags. I pop in a Smartie and, that sort of treacle with peanuts in it...hard nutty shite, I call it!"

"I do sell sweet cigarettes, and I often pop in a real one...for the children!"