44 quotes found
"[repeated line] Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark."
"[repeated line] Holy schnikes!"
"[repeated line] Shut up, Richard!"
"Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show... [passes out]"
"Professor posts final exam results Sorry, pardon me. Can I just check this out? D-plus? Oh, my god. I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D-Plus! hugs a student standing next to him I'm going to graduate! I wish we'd known each other. This is a little awkward."
"Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug!"
"[Singing, in an attempt to cheer up Richard] Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little coat!"
"[During first day in his Father's brake pad division] I was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... I'm retarded."
"Were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, what's his name? Buddy...Whack-it?"
"What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. And you're driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the 'other guy's' brake pads. You're driving along. You're driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, 'I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!', 'Not now, damn it!', truck tire, eeeee, 'I can't stop!'. Help! There's a cliff! Aah! And your family's screaming 'Oh my god, we're burning alive!' 'No! I can't feel my legs!'. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, 'Oh, my god.'. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. All because... you want to save a couple of extra pennies. To me, it doesn't..."
"[During the pretend "bee" attack] Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge and they're sting crazy! They're ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!"
"If I wanted a kiss, I would've called your mother."
"Not here, or here so much... but right 'here'."
"Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa, or is it Spanky? Sinner."
"Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE ABUTMENT!"
"You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cuz I'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!"
"[Sitting on a park bench with Richard] Boy this is the worst. My so called "family" deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job. [Bench collapses under him] ...Could've done without that."
"R.T. I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud..........Rob, you were there."
"[After watching Tommy wolf down fries and squirt ketchup into his mouth] Ugh! I can actually hear you getting fatter ."
"It's called reading, you know, top to bottom, left to right. A group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps."
"It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? [points to Tommy] Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport..."
"Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain."
"He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he folks?"
"Ugh, why do you always have to de-turd these things? Look at this one, caught him after Thanksgiving feast, I think I'm gonna need a pooperscooper."
"Ugh, I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Ugh, I think they're pissed."
"Big Tom Callahan: Of course, I can get a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it."
"Quit playing with your dinghy."
"Michelle Brock: Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!"
"Ray Zalinkski: Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z.""
"Hey you ain’t moving!"
"No you need to drop a couple hundred pounds Blimp!"
"Hey Gilligan, did you eat the skipper?!"
"Hey lady, there's a fat whale on your boat! ya, free willy"
"Your sail is limp, like your dick!"
"Cow Farmer: Hey! Get off my property!"
"Chris Farley - Thomas R. "Tommy" Callahan III"
"David Spade - Richard Hayden"
"Brian Dennehy - Thomas R. "Big Tom" Callahan, Jr."
"Bo Derek - Beverly Barish, aka Beverly Burns"
"Rob Lowe - Paul Barish"
"Dan Aykroyd - Ray Zalinsky"
"Julie Warner - Michelle Brock"
"Sean McCann - Frank Rittenhauer"
"Zach Grenier - Ted Reilly"