The Jerk

"Huh? I am not a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and uh, my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi."

"For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex."

"First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book."

"Marie, are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. I'm glad because there is something that has always been very difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm going to ask you to marry me, if that's okay with you. Just don't say anything. You've made me very happy."

"[singing] I'm picking out a Thermos for you! / Not an ordinary Thermos for you, / But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, / with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in! I'm picking out a Thermos for you, / And maybe a barometer too. / And what else can I buy so on me you'll rely? / A rear-end thermometer too!"

"Good Lord! I've heard about this: cat juggling!"

"Well, I'm gonna go then, and I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you! I don't need anything, except this. [picks up an ashtray] An ashtray, and that's the only thing I need, is this! I don't need this or this! Just this ashtray, and this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need! And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need! And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one— I need this. [picks up chair] The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this. [picks up magazine] The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair. [walking outside] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog. [Shithead growls at him] Well, I don't need my dog."

"He was a poor black sharecropper's son who never dreamed he was adopted."

"From rags to riches... to rags."

"Steve Martin — Navin R. Johnson / Cat Juggler (as Pig-Eye Jackson)"

"Bernadette Peters — Marie Kimble Johnson"

"Catlin Adams — Patty Bernstein"

"Jackie Mason — Harry Hartouinian"

"Carl Reiner — Himself"

"M. Emmet Walsh — The Sniper"