Jackass Number Two

"Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass!"

"Rectal bleeding... another first for Jackass."

"If your asshole can't see the camera, the camera can't see you asshole."

"It's gonna hurt a lot, but it's just loud."

"[After getting shot by riot explosive] Is this okay? [Points to face] Then we're good."

"Okay, who brought crabs to the party? [Laughs] One of the guys had crabs!"

"[After taking a fall] My head stopped my body from getting really hurt on that."

"[Preparing Steve-O for the butt chug] I'm staring right down Main Street and it's not looking any good at all."

"This is REALLY gonna suck!"

"[After Steve-O does the butt chug] He's peeing like a girl!"

"[While gagging after Pontius drinking horse semen] I never puke ever, and I really almost puked then."

"[Just before the second attempt at "big red rocket"] Even if the rocket doesn't blow up on me this time, there's really not a lot of great ways for it to end, anyway."

"Please God, don't let there be a "Jackass 3". I don't even like 2!"

"[Regarding the Riot Control Test] If Knoxville goes in there... I'll french-kiss him."

"[After getting shot by riot explosive] I'm crying. I'm a fucking skateboarder, I don't get shot!"

"[After the Yak Charge] That couldn't have gone any better. I didn't know Knoxville could do back flips."

"[Doing the gluteus cattle-branding skit] Here we are at some random-ass ranch and this is the Brand. And it's gonna suck!"

"Can somebody make a dick run?"

"We're here at April and Phil's house and I'm gonna present them the branded dick on my butt. No let me rephrase that, DICKS!"

"[Johnny Knoxville is about to be launched in the air] I'm scared just watching him, I want a Lance helmet!"

"It's time to play a game with a bunch of these medicine balls, and they're heavy as shit!"

"[Before plunging Steve-O] You better shit piss, asswipe!"

"You fuckers are asses! I don't trust anybody!"

"Knoxville is gonna see what the moon looks like!"

"[After completing Medicine Ball Dodgeball] That was fun. Let's never do that again."

"I can't believe I'm fishing for sharks with Steve-O as my bait! It's like a dream come true!"

"[After sticking a fish hook through Steve-O's mouth] Oh, man. That hurt to do that to you."

"[While fishing for sharks, using Steve-O as bait] Dude, isn't this movie supposed to be a comedy?"

"I'm so glad I'm not the star of this movie."

"[After drinking the horse semen] I'm ashamed of myself. I really am. I'm completely ashamed of myself."

"Water-based lubricants, friend or foe? You be the judge."

"[After Wee Man and Preston go bungee jumping off the bridge] That was intense, really intense. Well, not really intense, but pretty intense."

"Hey Ehren, maybe after this movie you'll finally lose your virginity."

"[After getting fired out of a street sewer in a devil costume in DTLA] Keep God outta California! Whoo! Tell Charlie Daniels to write a song about this! God is out! He can have the other 48... or 49... whatever..."

"[After Matt Hoffman attempts to launch over a ditch, imagined as the "English Channel" on his bicycle] He didn't even make it to Germany!"

"Get ready to be happy ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Knoxville is gonna jump the entire lake! He's amazing."

"It's times like these when you know - Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude."

"[Chuckles after extracting horse semen] You just pleasured a horse."

"Dude, Wee Man, I would never use a card throwing machine on you!"

"I just had a leech chomp my eyeball. YES!"

"[After completing the butt chug] Alright, let's go to the bar!"

"All right cast me out, goddammit!"

"I'm Steve-O, and sorry Dad, but no one's gonna miss this for the world. This is the Butt Chug."

"[About to be buried up to his neck in a pile of manure] I'm Steve-O and this is some shit. [Screams] I'm Steve-O and this is some shit!"

"[To Dave England who has an upset stomach] Last time you shit in a damn van and now you get to shit in a limo!"

"Ow, my hip! I think I just gave birth!"

"Son of a–fuck you!"

"[After Johnny Knoxville falls head first off the penny farthing bicycle] You didn't land it."

"[After the riot control test] Son of a fuck you!"

"[Riding a BMX bicycle] Why would anybody ride this shit? What's the reasoning? Why can't they just make two of the same size wheel?"

"So here I am, trying to contribute to Ehren McGhehey's new beard. I hope he knows that I skipped showering for about a week and a half to make this a little more gross. [Shaves his pubic hair]"

"[Pulling Ehren out of the tire] Jesus Christ, you got a fat fucking ass!"

"[While chewing on horse feces] It's so dry!"

"Ow...! Ah...! My ass hurts so fucking bad!"

"[Doing the jihadist suicide bomber skit, to taxi driver] Where I'm going, I don't need luggage."

"[While trapped in the trunk of a taxi cab] Get me out of here!"

"What? I can't hear... kinda."

"There's a machine in here! Where's the fucking card throwing machine?"

"[Getting shocked by an electric stool] Ah! Argh...! [Jumps of off the stool] No, [repeatedly] I don't fucking like that dude...! That fucking hurts, dude!"

"Bam just took a golden dildo up his ass at high speed. That's what happened."

"[Holds up two dollar bills, referring to Dave England] I'm gonna pay this motherfucker right here... two hundred smackaroos... it's not counterfeit, it's real... to eat horse shit!"

"[To Dave England] Swallow, swallow it nigga!"

"[After seeing Bam's gluteus brand] He should have made it bigger and more realistic, that puny thing's embarrassing!"

"[Lance is laughing hysterically] I think we broke Lance!"

"I do not recommend putting leeches on testicles."

"Johnny Knoxville as Self/Irving Zisman"

"Bam Margera as Self"

"Steve-O as Self"

"Chris Pontius as Self"

"Ryan Dunn as Self"

"Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña as Self"

"Preston Lacy as Self"

"Dave England as Self"

"Ehren McGhehey as Self"

"Phil Margera as Self"

"April Margera as Self"

"Jess Margera as Self"

"Brandon DiCamillo as Self"

"Mat Hoffman as Self"

"Tony Hawk as Self"

"Mark Zupan as Self"

"Jeff Tremaine as Self"

"Spike Jonze as Self/Gloria"

"Brandon Novak as Self"

"Guess who just made number two?"

"The Number One Movie in America is Number Two!"

"In 2002, people were appalled by what they saw. Well, guess what, we just made number two."