Craig Ferguson

"Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations."

"In 1963 the BBC premiered a show about an alien Who traveled through space and time to combat the powers of evil. … The show has been running in Britain almost fifty years, with many different actors in the role of The Doctor. … One thing is consistent though and this is why the show is so beloved by geeks and nerds — It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism! Intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism! And if there is any hope for any of us in this giant explosion in which we inhabit then surely that’s it: Intellect and romance triumph over brute force and cynicism!"

"I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page."

"Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain."

"In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you."

"I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie."

"Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!"

"He's quiet as well, especially if you stalk him."

"As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!"

"You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you."

"Get well soon, Castro. [pause] Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!"

"I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me."

"He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name."

"That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself."

"I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't."

"Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!"

"Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start."

"You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first! First, first, first! First! Democracy, FIRST!"

"I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass."

"Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you."

"Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey."

"[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop."

"Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that [points to cityscape backdrop] right there."

"Clive Barker: It's an excuse to look at my groin. Craig Ferguson: I'm European - I don't need an excuse."

"Craig Ferguson: Do you do therapy? Hugh Laurie: I see a gentleman once a week. Craig Ferguson: I love it, I'm a great convert. Hugh Laurie: Therapy? Craig Ferguson: No, just seeing a gentleman once a week."

"I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc."

"I view my own body as a Donalds hiccups I am the main attraction... And the only customer."

"[reading an email] "Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" (ponders) Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!"

"[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up!"

"[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back."

"Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love."

"[The Secretariat horse character reveals his true identity, and it happens to be Bob Newhart.]"

"[When beginning the cold open with another person] Please state your name for the camera."

"Another innocent victim of my pointless rage."

"I can't live by your rules, man!"

"[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!"

"It's a great day for America, everybody."

"Remind you of anyone?"

"[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?"

"Sounds like a party at Elton John's house."

"It's a JOKE!"

"[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters..."

"[in reference to a two-word comment from a guest] ...I used to dance under that name."

"It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment]."

"I Know!...."

"...or is it?"

"...best night of my life."

"You know who doesn't like _____? Al-Qaeda!"

"[referring to a suggestive comment aimed at the audience] You too, ladies."

"[with a fist-shake] Take that, ____."

"By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks."

"By the way, _____ was a name I used to dance under."

"By the way, _____ was the name of a movie I accidentally watched in a hotel room twenty or thirty times."

"Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys."

"Welcome back, my filthy pigeons."

"Welcome back, my naughty monkeys. [whipcrack]"

"Welcome back, my naughty donkeys."

"Welcome back, my naughty penguins."

"Welcome back, my frisky badgers"

"Welcome back to the big show where (at this point, he references something from earlier in the show)"

"Do what you love, and what you're proud of, and you're fuckin' bulletproof. You're fuckin' bulletproof. If you do what you absolutely believe to be right, then you're fuckin' bulletproof."

"Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of “what if” when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized."

"They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots."

"Change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain."

"The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men."

"Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place."

"Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea."

"High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity (the only thing that most students really desire) is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast."

"Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt."

"Always laugh second."

"Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken."

"Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women."

"That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying."

"Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies."

"Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself."

"Time is only linear for engineers and referees."

"The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it."

"Failure is not a disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one... My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t."

"I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself."

"Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form."

"Sober alkies are often asked: “When did you hit rock bottom?” but a more informed question might be: “How many times did you hit rock bottom?"

"Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it."

"There are bound to be some lies here, but I’ve been telling them so long they’ve become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened."

"Between safety and adventure I choose adventure."

"America is, for me, an aspiration, a philosophy, a way of being, a dream."

"The trouble I have with astrophysics or quantum mechanics is the same problem I have with philosophy; which is: initially it is mind blowing, then it is fascinating, then it is disturbing, then it is almost uncomprehensible, then it's fascinating again, then you disappear up your own ass."