Artemus Ward

Artemus Ward (April 23, 1834 – March 6, 1867) was the nom de plume of Charles Farrar Browne, an American humorous writer.

17 quotes found

"I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also."

- Artemus Ward

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"The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over."

- Artemus Ward

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"I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am."

- Artemus Ward

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"Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many?"

- Artemus Ward

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"My wife is one of the best wimin on this continent, altho' she isn't always gentle as a lamb, with mint sauce."

- Artemus Ward

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"The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his."

- Artemus Ward

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"Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?"

- Artemus Ward

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"He is dreadfully married. "He's the most married man I ever saw in my life.""

- Artemus Ward

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"Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrer [sic] money to do it with."

- Artemus Ward

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"The sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen."

- Artemus Ward

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"They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it."

- Artemus Ward

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"I now bid you a welcome adoo."

- Artemus Ward

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"...their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to."

- Artemus Ward

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"Hearto4, as I hav numerously obsarved, I have abstrained from having any sentimunts or principles, my pollertics, like my religion, bein of a exceedin accommodatin character. But the fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto us, & I feel it's my dooty to accept your invite for one consecutive nite only."

- Artemus Ward

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"N.B. This is rote sarcastikul."

- Artemus Ward

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"The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste."

- Artemus Ward

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"Yes; there was an oration. We have a passion for oratory in America—political oratory chiefly. Our political orators never lose a chance to "express their views." They will do it. You cannot stop them.There was an execution in Ohio one day, and the Sheriff, before placing the rope round the murderer's neck, asked him if he had any remarks to make?"If he hasn't," said a well-known local orator, pushing his way rapidly through the dense crowd to the gallows—"if our ill-starred feller-citizen don't feel inclined to make a speech and is in no hurry, I should like to avail myself of the present occasion to make some remarks on the necessity of a new protective tariff!""