A Very Potter Musical

"Voldemort out, bitches!"

"I believe everything has its place, Muggles have their place, Mudbloods have their place and so do your clothes! Namely a dresser!"

"When I had a body, I had mad game with the bitches!"

"Aw, now two people are mad at me!"

"Just relax with the 'Dark Lord,' ok? I watch you wipe your butt daily, you can call me Voldemort, we're there! We've reached that point."

"But! There need not be war between us. You've all fought so valiantly, and I'm willing to offer you positions in my new world order - as my slaves."

"You think we'd have realized that with both of us drinking into one belly, we'd get twice as drunk."

"Yes, I know Quirrell, I HEAR EVERYTHING YOU HEAR!"

"Don't make me laugh, I'm pissing"

"You'd think killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't, it just..... it just makes them dead!"

"...And don't suggest a giant slide or a trampoline... we've already tried those."

"The Mudblood deserve to die!!"

"Okay is wonderful."

"It tastes like... Cool Mint."

"Oh! YOU LITTLE SHIT! YOU GOT ME!"

"Did someone say Draco Malfoy?!"

"You know, they don’t even have dances at Pigfarts. All of the noise would disturb Rumbleroar’s slumbering cubs."

"Now you're just being cute. I can't go to Pigfarts! It's on Mars, you need a rocketship! Do you have a rocketship, Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died. Look at this! Rocketship Potter! Starkid Potter! Moonshoes Potter, traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!"

"If we're good, Rumbleroar lets you ride around on his back. He's a lion. Who can TALK."

"You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger! You know what I would give her on a scale of 1 to 10? 1 would be the ugliest and 10 pretty... I would give her an 8... 8.5... or a 9... not over a 9.8 'cos there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. That's why I'm holding out for a 10. Because I'm worth it!"

"[About the Zefron horcrux] Put some tape on this, it's fine."

"Pigfarts, Pigfarts, here I come. Pigfarts, Pigfarts, yum yum yum!"

"I'm tired. Can't we just be Death Eaters?"

"I want....Hermione Granger! (quickly) And a rocketship."

"Wait. Don't tell me... Red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid complexion. You must be a Weasley."

"[interrupting Professor Quirrell] Go home, terrorist!"

"All I need is a life and a way to be famous.... (grabs broken broom) I WILL BE THE FIRST TO FLY A BROKEN BROOM.... wait I WILL BE THE YOUNGEST DEATH EATER.... oh wait I am the youngest death eater"

"She is THE HOTTEST GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN!"

"Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. But luckily next year, I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!"

"Yeah Hermione, I'm the boy who lived, not died. God!"

"Oh my god, I have to fight a goat? I don't think I can do that morally... (Later) Oh my god I have to fight a dragon! I can't do that I'm just a little kid!"

"I don't know Cedric, someone punched me in the face and my sense of direction got a little goofed up!"

"You're this guy, that's just-- around, all the time, when I don't need a guy around. You're this spare guy, all the time, this spare dude. You're SUCH a SPARE! (Voldemort: kill the spare!)"

"Beautiful!? What are you, nuts!? More like supermegafoxyawesomehot! She's the hottest girl I've ever met! She's far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting, than any girl. That I know. In my immediate group of friends."

"It was left to me by my dad, my dad that's dead. My father is dead. I have a dead father."

"Harry Potter loves Zac Efron more than anyone else on the planet."

"I don't know man... Cedric Diggory, he's pretty awesome... NOT! He sucks. I'm totally gonna win. It's in the bag."

"I wanna take you up to Winnipeg... THAT'S IN CANADA!"

"But in Spiderman 3 everything sucks and falls to shit! I don't want my life to be like Spiderman 3, god, I hated that movie."

"I love you all. ...Except you Draco, I can't fucking stand you."

"A cauldron? what are you guys gonna do eat me? that's gross!!"

"If anyone were hiding under an invisibility cloak in here, surely they'd have the good sense to SHUT UP POTTER."

"I just have been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor and anyone who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and for the other two they can go where the hell they want to, I don't really care."

"Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts / I Welcome all of you to school / Did you know that here at Hogwarts / We've got a hidden swimming pool?"

"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"

"My name is Albus Dumbledore. You may call me... Dumbledore. I suppose you can also call me Albus, if you want a detention! Nah, I'm just kidding, I'll expel you if you call me Albus!"

"A funny thing actually happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched to another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference won't be back `til next year!"

"Hermione Granger! When one of yous has a problem, that means all three of yous has got a problem. What would Zac Efron say in a time like this!?! [singing] We're all in this together..."

"Draco, will you sit down, you little shit?!"

"Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting. 20 more points. God... for the cleverest witch of your age you really can be a dumbass sometimes. Ten points to Dumbledore!"

"Malfoy, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

"That's Lavender Brown! RACIST SISTER!"

"There's another horcrux. I hope it isn't an Ashely Tisdale poster. I couldn't do that."

"RAAAAGGGHHH!! LET'S GO KILL VOLDEMORT!"

"It's just every time I look at her I get these pains in my chest I know it's her fault, that bitch!"

"I am just going to curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days."

"Accio double stuff!"

"OH MY GOD. Hermione, shut up."

"Maybe you'll just have to fight like Mushu from Mulan or something..."

"That is a BOSS Zefron poster."

"Ugh, this competition is gonna suck...all these dragons are wimps...Accio Doublestuf....OHMIGOD MONSTER! Is that yours? Ohmigod, it's awesome, let me hold it."

"I'm like Shia LaBeouf...the Prince Douche."

"Thanks, Hermione!"

"That's absurd. If ever a person were to touch themselves,... [looks directly at Ron]"

"No... Potter... I'll show you what you need to do... Watch very carefully... [dies]"

"Bomb-appetite... I mean Bon-Appetite."

"Ginny walks up* AHH A GINGER! [runs]"

"I'll be in the drawing room painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces."

"[Enters the room] Harry Potter! DETENTION!"

"What the devil is going on heeeeeere?"

"10 points from Gryffindor. *gryffindors complain* For Miss Granger's excessive baby fat."

"A person can however be a horcrux. (Harry) what's a- what's a horcrux? (Snape) I'm not even going to tell you Harry, you'll find out soon enough!"

"Goyle: I can't believe the counter curse was 'Unjellify!"

"Cedric: Find!"

"Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders"

"Well, I find that to be very rude"

"Well, I don't find this surprising, at all"

"Neville: [reading Dumbledore's will] The house cup goes to Gryffindor, Hogwarts goes to Harry Potter, my chocolate factory goes to Charlie, and Toontown goes to the toons!"

"Ginny: Oh my Rowling!"

"Molly: AVADA KEDAVRA! ... Die, bitch!"

"Cornelius Fudge: [Voldemort enters] I STILL don't believe you're back! [Voldemort kills him] A heart attack, surely!"

"Rumbleroar: Let us be on our way. To Pigfarts! RUMMMMMMBLEROAAAAAAAR!!"

"Hermione: Actually I have heard those things, Harry, about a thousand times, but never have they been told to me with so much sass. Drop the attitude, Harry Potter. You are acting like Garfield on a Monday.""

"Goyle: Oh Goyle rules!"

"Darren Criss - Harry Potter"

"Joey Richter - Ron Weasley"

"Bonnie Gruesen - Hermione Granger"

"Lauren Lopez - Draco Malfoy, Hungarian Horntail"

"Jaime Lyn Beatty - Ginny Weasley"

"Joe Walker - Lord Voldemort"

"Dylan Saunders - Albus Dumbledore"

"Brian Rosenthal - Quirinus Quirrell"

"Joe Moses - Severus Snape"

"Britney Coleman - Bellatrix Lestrange"

"Tyler Brunsman - Cedric Diggory, Cornelius Fudge"

"Sango Tajima - Lavender Brown"

"Lily Marks - Pansy Parkinson, Molly Weasley"

"Devin Lytle - Cho Chang, Hungarian Horntail"

"Julia Albain - Vincent Crabbe"

"Jim Povolo - Gregory Goyle, Rumbleroar"