Stassi Schroeder

"Oh, and can I have a side of balsamic vinegar? I like eating that with pizza. Top five condiments for pizza, in order. Number one going to be a mixture of sriracha and ranch. Number two is just plain ranch. Number three is balsamic. Number four, plain hot sauce."

"Like, I would have it at fucking TGI Fridays. I would have done it somewhere with good ranch."

"I feel like if I did a boudoir photo shoot with Beau, I would be styled as Daenerys in a giant tub filled with ranch. Who could resist that? Playboy?"

"I want to wrap a dildo in acid and give it Kristen as a present so it tears out her insides."

"My mom has always told me that I’m a descendant of a Swedish princess, so I try and act like one."

"It's my dream to have three glasses of wine in front of me at all times."

"I am so good at making people feel like shit when they deserve to feel like shit."

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Go fuck yourself and die."

"Who can say no to an open bar?"

"Why didn't I have a bottle of wine before I did this?"

"I am going to crucify her. I'm going to destroy her life. You have no idea."

"The only thing that I have holding me back right now is that I have self respect and dignity. Thank god for Kristen, who is unburdened by those anchors."

"No, hobble away"

"Did Scheana just flip flop on flip flopping?"

"I normally would’ve literally ran across that float with daggers, and not only stabbed you both, like, 40 times, but then thrown you off, tarred and feathered each of you, beheaded you, and quartered your bodies, and dragged them through the city of West L.A. on a disgusting truck."

"Everyone’s acting like it’s their own private chef back there. You’re in a restaurant, we have a set menu, just pick something and shut the fuck up."

"I wish I was there last night because I’ve always wanted a severed human head on a spike in my apartment and this was the perfect opportunity to get it."

"I’d rather light one of my arms on fire than go to something as boring as a puppy shower."

"When I die, I want to be taxidermied and then at my wake, I'm gonna have a glass of wine in my hand and people can come in a photo booth and take of photos with me"

"and if i'm gonna be honest I'm really fucked up on adderall and tequila"

"I'm afraid that she's gonna ask me advice on how to dispose of Ariana's body. I mean, sodium hydroxide and a plastic bin. Google it. But leave me out of it."

"Like, He should probably be stoned to death."

"I like to compare myself to, Like, King Henry VIII. Once you fuck up, Like, Off with your heads."

"that, like, I prefer to be a dictator and not part of a democracy."

"which is I don't like working with other fucking people. That might make me selfish. Fine, then I'm selfish."

"It's like the devil just shit me out into this weird, like, Mars planet where there's palm trees and old people"

"Schwartz is like half weasel, half vagina."

"[To Jax Taylor] Well, Don't swim away like a moody mermaid."

"I'd rather give birth to a dump truck than have that conversation with Lisa again."

"She is a ass sucker. Sorry. And she's sucking on your ass right now."

"I want to get some goat cheese balls really bad."

"and I want some fried goat cheese balls."

"I am the Devil, and don't you forget it."

"Constipation station."

"Everyone shut the fuck up, This is my fucking birthday"

"It's my birthday, and what I say goes."

"It’s my birthday, so go fuck yourself."

"All of you people, You all get to be in Cabo because I was born today."

"Jax shouldn't feel bad about being a sociopath. I mean Tom Sandoval is probably a narcissist. Kristen meets most of the criteria for borderline personality disorder. Ariana has a superiority complex. Katie has anger management issues. Scheana's a hypochondriac. I'm a alcoholic, so he's in good company."

"I'm not really into physical activity. I prefer to stay, like, sedentary."

"If being good at sex can get you a Rolls Royce, I must really not be good at sex."

"Ugh, This is why I date poor people. Rich people annoy me."

"Scheana's acting like we're close friends and she's telling me all this as if I actually give a fuck."

"I want to make another cocktail."

"[To Jax Taylor] Just because you wear sweaters doesn’t mean you know how to design them … Do you know how annoying it is to hear about your sweater line? Don't bring up your effing sweater line"

"Scheana, You weren't dying. You were in the dentist's office."

"You were in the dentist's office. You got a lollipop and a toothbrush when it was over."

"Oh, My God, Scheana looks like two butterflies landed on her eyelashes and shit a Crayon."

"Scheana looks like a cross between a Gypsy and one of those American Girl dolls. So long, Scheana. So Long Scheana's Eyelashes. So long, Scheana's Turban. So long, Scheana's Unitards."

"That is the ugliest effing wedding dress I've ever seen in my entire life."