My Wife and Kids

"(referring to Ken's new girlfriend, Tiara) "I hope this one doesn't think Apartheid is a laundry detergent.""

"(to Michael) "Until you get this mouse out of the house, you ain't getting any panties from this fanny!""

"(to Michael, after hearing Tony singing) "I can't ignore him. He sounds like a cat in heat.""

"The boy (Junior) has a lawnchair for a front (car) seat."

"(to Junior, about his car) "She may have character, but she doesn't have a front seat.""

"Why do they call it a 'coffin' when you can't cough?"

"Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake your milkshake!"

"I may have put the '-oron' in 'moron', but I didn't put the '-upid' in 'dumb'!"

"And he [Christopher Columbus] thought the world was round. What an idiot!"

"You know I can't work a VCR."

"How am I supposed to believe that my pie got up and ate itself?"

"This [pie] is all you're going to eat until I find out who did it [ate his pie]."

"Did you see the way those women looked at me? I felt like a hamburger in Somalia."

"Boy, you've got your butt in my ear!"

"Kissing can lead to touching, and touching can lead to grandchildren."

"(to a man at the gas station) "Hey, Shrek! You think you can move any time this century?!""

"'Summer Breeze'? That sounds like a feminine hygiene commercial."

"I don't care about no chocolate, anyway. It gives me the runs."

"Let's drink some of that colored water, saturated with high-fructose corn syrup, get a huge sugar rush going, and then watch hours of insipid animated marsupials sing and dance their way through a jungle festooned with product placement featuring candy-laced cereals that will no doubt destroy my pancreas before I'm 12 and leave me twitching in a diabetic coma."

"Grandma Kyle: "I'm going to outlive you if it kills me!""

"Nurse: "Did something die in here?""